Staff Column: End of the Alphabet A farewell look at the fall semester All good things eventually come to an end, which is why this column will be continuing forever. No, I kid, because this, column No. 17, is the last one. I'd like to thank my readers, without whom I couldn't have written -- wait a second, you guys didn't help at all, you lazy freeloaders. Anyway, today's column is a review of the stuff that happened this semester. You may not remember all the events because time seemed to just fly by. Indeed, it's hard to even believe the semester's already over. It seems like just yesterday it was Dec. 9. It should also be noted that this semester review does not cover the terribly bad stuff. Gov. Parris N. Glendening announced the campus would have two stops on the planned Metrorail Purple Line, which will be made by combining the Red and Blue lines, although Glendening acknowledged "that doesn't seem to make any sense." Housing shortages continued to plague the campus but were easily solved by the resident life office pretending seniors no longer exist. Middle East tensions spiraled out of control into the world's first chalk war. Some students wrote messages in chalk on sidewalks memorializing Israeli victims of Palestinian terrorism, prompting other students to chalk a memorial for Palestinians, including at least two who were responsible for multiple terror attacks against Israelis. In related news, because of the horrible acts of terror committed this year by Hamas and Islamic Jihad, neither group will receive any presents from Santa Claus this Christmas. The University Senate approved a plan for next year requiring students to sign an honor pledge on major assignments indicating they did not cheat, followed by another honor pledge indicating they weren't lying on the first honor pledge. In a tight race, Daniel Dorfman and Mike Mann, both senior government and politics majors, attempted to win seats on the College Park City Council. They fought hard, campaigning heavily to inform students there was a council race going on. "We're going to win tomorrow. That's the bottom line," Mann announced confidently the day before they lost the election. Crime, mostly in the form of robberies, continued to disturb the campus this semester, creating fear among many students. "I'm so scared here I'm going back home to Southeast D.C.," said one student. Fortunately, the National Rifle Association came to the rescue, providing all students with personal firearms for protection. This successfully cut the robbery rate, although the homicide rate skyrocketed. University Police announced they had installed 400 video cameras around the campus as part of a new reality television program starring campus students. Each week, someone will get voted out of campus housing. Students opposed to the United States' war on terrorism created a group called the Peace Forum after rejecting the more accurate but slightly less appealing name, Wacky Anti-American Protesters Forum. The campus administration told the student life website TerpIdiots to change its name because of trademark violations; apparently, the administration has the exclusive rights to being known as "idiots." Responding to student complaints about the issue, William Destler gave a bullshit answer that did not adequately address student concerns. Instead, it served as a reminder that when a campus administrator writes there should be "underlying principles that might guide a rational discussion" between students and the administration, he's just insulting our intelligence. The Terps' football team had its best season since dinosaurs roamed the earth. Thanks to the work of new coach Ralph Friedgen, who ate opposing teams' star players, the Terps lost only one game, which occurred after Friedgen ate the game ball during the first quarter. "It looked like a giant ham," the coach told a reporter before eating the reporter's notebook. Because of the football team's newfound glory, students increased the frequency of riots from once a semester to whenever they felt like it. University Police broke up bonfires on Fraternity Row, one time with horses stolen from the Northern Alliance. The campus decided to eliminate coin-operated copy machines and require students to use a debit card system, prompting a mixed reaction from students. "As long as they don't take away our sacred copying privileges, I don't mind," said one student. "What is a copy machine?" asked another student, who just arrived in the country as a refugee from Afghanistan. Nelson Mandela spoke before a crowd of 10,000 in Cole Field House. The former South African president criticized some aspects of U.S. policy and complained about the segregated seating in the audience. Mandela then received an honorary degree from the campus, on which he quickly crossed out "Maryland" and wrote "Michigan." "Now it's worth something," he commented while walking off the stage. The University Senate recommended that Dining Services, the horrible monopoly that operates the dining halls, eliminate the Target Your Points system, in which the campus confiscates unused food money every two weeks. The system is beloved among students who have trouble spending lots of money. Dining Services has always maintained the system was originally created by students; a closer inspection reveals they were really stupid students. Finding the right way to end my last column is really difficult. There are so many possibilities: words of advice, excerpts of reader e-mails, instructions on properly using toilets, etc. But I don't have the inclination or space to write any of that, so I'll just say thanks for reading, and good luck on your exams. You'll need it, because if you read all the way through this column, you probably lost all your brain cells. Dan Zytnick is a sophomore decision and information sciences major. His column ran alternate Tuesdays this semester. He can be reached at zytnick@wam.umd.edu.